Tofu and chickpeas for breakfast, lunch and tea.

'Did you know that it's impossible to gain enough protein from a plant-based diet?'

'Did you know that vegetarians have a shorter life expectancy than meat-eaters?'

'Did you know that humans evolved because we ate red meat?'

Firstly, congratulations on being ignorant and obnoxious. Now, would you please shut the fuck up?

Mentioning that I don't eat meat is not an invitation for you to attempt to drag me back onto the steak'n'bacon wagon, just like I don't take your 12-pack of chicken nuggets as a queue to talk about battery hens.

It's quite simple really, as human beings we can choose to harvest animals for nutritional gain, or we can choose not to - and each person's decision is entirely their own business.

But since we're on the topic, add this fun fact to your list: a healthy human diet consists of meat only 2 or 3 times a week. So, until your diet fits that criteria, save your 'yeah, but my Daddy says' bullshit for when you're lying in bed, digesting a double cheeseburger and diet coke, convincing yourself that you're healthier than a vegetarian.

As for all the respectful meat-eaters out there - the ones who are able to have a civilised discussion without shoving their opinions down my throat - thank you. The ability to accept and respect another person's choices is an extremely admirable trait.

the chase

Let's go to a place where nobody else has been,
where the shores are shallow
but the tide keeps us clean.

Let's forget that this sky won't stay,
forget about the waves
that insist we float away.

With your fingernails grazing my spine,
make my heart beat faster,
let our breath entwine.

Anchor me to the earth with the taste of your smile,
darling, hold me together
for a little while.

Just promise to let go when the night is done,
so I can spend my days
alone
finding new ways
to chase the sun.


Ps. I now understand why artists use the title 'untitled'...

Fear and (self) loathing..

I have always said that I am too lazy for conflict, but I think maybe that was just an excuse. The truth is that I'm scared. Not of the confrontation, but of losing people. I am afraid that if I tell someone that they are hurting me, they will get defensive and walk away.

I know that these fears take root in my insecurity and that's something that I need to work on, but after years of 'taking it on the chin', it's been hard to sustain any self-worth.

I know too that, for my own sake, I need to start being upfront and accept that anyone I lose along the way isn't worth my time... but to be honest, I just wish people wouldn't make me take these fucking risks to begin with.

Celebrity crushes are not something I experience often, but my god, I am feeling the love right now.

Her name is Jemima Kirke.

Jemima plays Jessa in the HBO series Girls (watch it, it will blow your mind) but is foremost an artist and overall radical human being - well, she's radical in my fantasies anyway...

According to Jemima, Jessa's bohemian personality is somewhat inspired by her own - which is why I love her so dearly.

Then there is this...

'In order of importance: 1.Self, 2. Marriage, 3. Child. Of course all are as important as each other, but neglecting the one before is a disservice to the one after' - Jemima Kirke

If we all lived by this mantra I think the population would be far happier and far more balanced - with the possibility of world peace and an end to hunger... just sayin'. 

Last but certainly not least, her beauty and her style. Completely original, completely effortless and just the right amount of I don't give a ****.

When I grow up I want to be just like Jemima.

Images sourced from: http://www.jkirke.com/

A poem, or maybe just a story.

August 25th

You said I was paranoid and then you proved me right.
The words sunk into my chest and my stomach and my heart. Heavy and twisting.
I didn't think I could feel so sick, I didn't think I could feel that much pain.

I'm sure she was beautiful, and she was lonely.
I'm sure you were being a friend.
I'm sure nothing came of it.
And those nights were spent sleeping in gutters and on trains.

Well maybe you don't realise how absurd you sound.
And maybe you don't realise what that all meant for me.
Inadequacy and doubt and pain that never truly leaves.

You told me you were ashamed. You wouldn't get out of bed.
I was on my knees but you stayed there, covering your face like a scared little boy.
I don't think it was me. I don't think I scared you. I had tried to keep you safe.
I had tried to bring you home but your eyes glazed over and you pushed my hands away.

In the end, none of that mattered.
You had hit rock bottom and you let everybody know.
I wiped away my tears so I could wipe away yours but even then you wouldn't look me in the eye.

We fell apart, and I knew that was okay.
And we moved on.
And you said you were done.

So why are you still here?
Still on the streets and in the bars.
Still wrapping me in your arms like your unfinished business.
Still telling me I wasn't good enough.

Well tell me again.
Remind me of how I failed.
Remind me of all your pain.
And I'll feel nothing.

For you, I feel nothing.

We are only as free as those who define our options allow us to be.

the weekend

Balance

March 6th,
Some people just don’t have the mental capacity to consider how their actions and decisions affect the people who love them. Others care and consider it too much, and completely lose themselves in the process. When you put the two together, it balances out and there can be all measures of love - but one will always feel let down, and the other guilty and ashamed, with niether to blame. Until you find a balance of ‘selfish’ and ‘selfless’ within yourself, you will never be truly happy with yourself or your relationship.

Just a thought.

Holes

So often when I'm having fun, I think: 'Man when this is over, I'm going to wish I could be back in this moment.' Or when life is going well and I feel truly happy, I think: 'Well, this can't last forever, and when it's over, fuck it's going to hurt.'

I am forever feeling like the days are passing too quickly or maybe I'm just not living in the moment. Work is a waste of my time, weekends are fun but getting me nowhere. My friends are beautiful, but how long until we fallout? Break-up?

I don't know. I don't know if I am wasting my time. I don't know who I will lose. I don't know who I am or what I want. I don't know the answers, I don't even think they exist.

I would love to end these thoughts with something positive, but I just don't think there is a solution. I don't have control over anything or anyone but myself. I have to let go of yesterday's problems and tomorrow's uncertainty, because last week is over and next month I might lose everything.

All I have is now, this minute, this second. And I choose this minute to reflect on good things that are over, but are worth the holes they have left in my heart.

Some attempts at poetry.

May 4th,

I let my head roll off, into the mud. It stares out of empty eye sockets with a twisted expression but I don’t look down. And I won’t. I can’t stand still but I swear I used to see straight. Nothing you said or say sounds true but I’m gonna believe every word. Until you’re gone, then the only thing I believe is that you don’t care. You aren’t there. You’re with her, hammering nails into rotten wood. Building another ship to steer off-course into a storm to sink and watch with tears in your eyes and fingers crossed behind your back.

And I’ll keep sitting and thinking. Sitting and sinking. These days don’t make sense but they will.
I lost my head months ago but it followed me here. Rolling and trampled into concrete and tar. It’s filled with voices and thoughts, too heavy to lift or rearrange. Maybe not today, but I will be whole soon.

Still your fingers plug the holes in my chest. The only control you have left. My pain waiting to seep out with withdrawal. And I’ll walk away, head following and heart exposed by the holes you punched too keep me around.

We’re all waiting to let go, only to grasp hold of a new set of fingers - fresh and clean and yielding with the promise of strength to hold on.

I lost my head months ago, but it followed me here. And we’re all we’ve got.

May 28th,
Just when I thought the last embers had burnt out, you lit a flame between my shoulder blades. The burn  ran through my spine and wrapped around my ribs, sinking into my lungs and choking every breath. The light in my skin glimmered as strong as ever but my organs turned black.

Your eyes are focused on a space behind me. And I can see the satisfaction in your smile so I’ll keep a straight face. The fire will burn slowly but my lips are tight, it won’t escape. In my mind my fingers are wrapped around your throat and you’re choking too. But it’s only a matter of time.

When I walk away you’ll walk towards that place - the space where you stared - looking for the warm human heart you left beating behind me - your warm heart. But it’s blackened by the smoke and cold from neglect. While you light fires the beats will slow, the love will trickle into the floorboards along with any trace of the good I have seen.

My heart will still burn but it’s strong, and it will keep beating long after your flame burns out.

I didn't know it at the time, but these little fuckers would turn out to be my closest friends and the most important part of my life.

Oh how I want to be in that number!

Is it just me, or is it unfair that Gods from all religions rely entirely on faith? They show no real sign of their existence (not to me, at least), yet we are expected to believe and praise and spread the word - or we are doomed to hell. I live my life politely, I give to those in need and I smile at strangers, but I cannot bring myself to believe in a God. Am I going to hell? Am I doomed because of my scepticism? They say that when you believe, you will see Him. I believed, for most of my life, and nothing came of it.

Now, I believe in the universe - you get back what you give out.

We are put on the earth for a short time, so why not enjoy it? Why not take risks with young love and sex? Go out and try substances that will alter your perception. Travel and experience different religions and cultures. Accept and respect the beliefs of all the people around you.

If there is a God, he/she should want his creations to live life to the fullest and be grateful for their time. We should be judged by our treatment of the earth and all the creatures living on it, not by our ability to trust a potential myth.